I slowly feel misplaced and become lethargic. But living among the family as a single person is slowly draining. I love everyone in the family, extended family, and am excited to hear about new additions. I like thinking about the prospect of coming home after school and being able to spend time with everyone more frequently, but my single status was a factor in my decision to leave home in the first place. Necesse est ut eam, non ut vivam (Necessity is to go, not to live). Taken from my Catholic upbringing and learning to become a better example of Christ, I have come to realize that sometimes a purpose is even worth dying for. This two-fold purpose holds very high value for me. My purpose was and still is two fold: (1) To have a successful relationship (a mutually beneficial relationship that provides for each other the resources and happiness we need to accomplish our other purposes) and (2) To simply and deeply love. In my case, the purpose outweighed the risk of another failed relationship. We weigh the desire and purpose of an action against the risk and severity of its obstacles and failure.
But there are many things that we do in life that have a high risk or even certainty of pain and failure, but we still do them. I have the ability to love intimately for a reason. Love (deep love) is the goal, and the fight to do it brings satisfaction. While satisfaction in life is essential, it is not the direct pursuit of satisfied living that brings it. While I had never heard the maxim at the time, I understood the meaning behind “Necesse est ut eam, non ut vivam.” (Necessity is to go, not to live). But ultimately, I did not choose that route. I figure it is either a life of loneliness and failed relationships or a life of fun and protection but superficiality. I still think I could live a pretty satisfying life by living that way. I could adapt to that lifestyle and fulfill my needs. If I could not love deeply, than I could sustain and protect myself by loving superficially, and do it as much as possible. I was tempted to go as far as one night stands. That gap was not merely the satisfaction of being in a relationship but the satisfaction of providing for someone else on a more intimate level.Īfter my previous relationship ended, I was very tempted to became “that guy.” I was tempted to become the guy that would never fall in love, never devote myself so willingly to a partner, never commit, and take what I wanted from the relationship and drop it before I got hurt. But in that pursuit, I found a gap in my life that I was meant to fill. I was lonely at times, but I was “satisfied” with my life. The last time I split with a girlfriend, I swore off relationships. I truly thought she was the one this time. “They who neglect and scorn shall never taste but hard be hardened, blind be blinded more.
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